behoovingmoving (behoovingmoving) wrote,

No more ratting out Denmark

People ask me, "Dr. Behooving, why have you been so critical of Denmark on your blog, since returning from your big week in Copenhagen?" Well, allow me to explain. It is not really Denmark, or their overrated bicycling culture, of which I am critical. If I look deeply into my whiskey glass, and am utterly honest, with myself and with you, I must admit to being slightly suspicious of Scandinavians, as a race generally. By any other name, they are Vikings, are they not? And what are Vikings, if not invaders? 

Now if it were Indians infiltrating our country on student visas, with no real intention of studying, just ze party party party, we would speak up. Scandinavians do it unchecked. Just because they all look like Anna from ABBA! And when Croatians come here talking about Yugoslavia and these kinds of things, we're quick to tell them not to bring trouble here. But what do the Swedes, Danes and Norwegians all do? They come armed with sim cards, and vote against Poland, so they can never win Eurovision, even though Poland always has the best songs. And we say nothing.
From Left: This year it's Norway's turn, with help from Denmark and Sweden, while Poland don't even get into the final; Australian beaches are great places to go to find casual sex partners; Danes do not teach their daughters any modesty whatsoever, then send them into the world to wreck god fearing homes; This Danish student has just arrived in Australia, stolen a bike, ridden over glass, and is still unaware the owner's child is in the back seat; Typical Aussie cyclist with half a bike shop in his back pocket.

Scandinavian women go topless on Australian beaches, offending hard working immigrants who come to Australia from morally more fragile regions. And within days of arrival, most Scandinavians, and every Dane, steals a bike and starts riding it around on the rims. This is an affront to all Australian cyclists, who wouldn't leave home without two tubes, levers, and their Topeak Two Timer CO2 Bike Pump, and some bananas, in their back pocket.

So let me offer this formal apology to Copenhagen. I was allowing deeper resentments to colour my judgment of your marvelous bike transit system. Actually, it is without fault—you just need to sacrifice a few cars lanes, to widen those bike ones. And those kids tearing up your bike paths on their motorized scooters? You gotta send that shit South where it came from. You know it. High five!
Tags: copenhagen, funny

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