June 30th, 2011

Reader of the Week: Mephisto Colville Andersen

When Behooving Moving was but a dalliance, not the global phenomenon for 40+ guys it has become, I ran a little reader of the week segment. It went on until I had worked my way through all my friends—all 40+ guys, all into bikes. So yes, it lasted for a little over one month. But now that I am travelling and making friends with other 40+ guys (all bike nuts of course), I realise "reader of the week" can start again! Hooray you all say. 

The handful of female readers among you, will no doubt have heard of Mephisto Colville-Andersen. Women cyclists feel toward Mephisto the way sisters of Mexican mice, feel toward Speedy Gonzales. They feel they are his personal friend. And ladies, any of you who care to join us for drinks tomorrow evening, here in sunny Copenhagen, will be treated as such. He's under instructions from me, to try to be social. Just get your saddle sore arses along to Bang and Jensen on Istedgade, where we shall be awaiting your arrival at 7. And alright, I guess our (my) male stalkers are welcome there too.
    
Left: our species worth saving. Middle: someone must love him. Right: yet another deeply superficial hero of mine. 

To business though. Mephisto is described on wikepedia as a "self-proclaimed" urban mobility expert. Well that is rather harsh. He is perhaps the most credentialed populariser of cycling, especially to modern women, since Susan B. Anthony. He has more effectively promoted cycling with a few candid shots of fashionably dressed women on bikes, mostly in Copenhagen, than John Forester ever did with that boring tomb [sic] Effective Cycling. It does seem unfair, that this image hungry, libidinous society in which we live, has lapped this guy up, while yawning at the routines of seasoned bicycling advocates. The later have fought to save humanity. You could say Mikael is more concerned with celebrating our species, in a way that reminds us that we are worth saving. Pardon me, but if the ship were sinking, I would sooner give up my spot in the lifeboat for a well dressed woman (especially you, Primrose my dear), than some nerd in a grease stained fluoro vest. In that way, I am a deeply superficial person, as Andy Warhol would say.  And Andy, I know you're reading too!    

Now, if you will pardon my tendency to giggle like a girl at my own jokes, here's an iPhone clip of Professor Mephisto showing me around his cute yuppie neighbourhood. 

Copenhagen Velobahn

I could not meet with any of Copenhagen's big kahunas of cycling today. They were all in a symposium. Conducted in Danish, would you believe! Otherwise, I would have done a Friedensreich Hundertwasser on them all, and stormed the meeting with nothing on, grabbed a microphone and chanted over and over, "Velobahn! Velobahn! Velobahn!" What does velobahn mean? I'm glad you asked!
  
Copenhagen has led the world when it comes to neighbourhood cycling and short range commuting. And yes, that's all very healthy for sure, and if slow cycling were any more healthy, it would make people fit. But with all the traffic lights, and this 20km p/h business that is encouraged, I find it hard raising a sweat. Copenhagen is shortchanging itself by not trying to drag greater health benefits from cycling. I don't mean for all. Just the fitness nut Danes. (I will come to your velobahn question shortly, I promise). 

I accept too that the cycling done here in Copenhagen might be of some good to the planet, compared to burning more fossil fuels. But wouldn't the total benefit be ten fold if cycling were pitched to those outlying plebs of this city, who are currently accounting for most of Copenhagen's vehicular traffic? I'm talking about people who should be allowed to ride fast, encouraged to, so that cycling will be a better option for them, despite their living so far from town. They should not be slowed to 20 km p/h when they hit the green-voting, recycling, piety belt (oh, I can be quite the provocateur when I choose!) If I am raising you ire, do read on. You will love me presently.   

To be perfectly clear, I am arguing that those suburbanites be given a chance to ride bikes, and ride them fast. Better to have them coming to town on a fast bike, than in a fast car, that is more dangerous, and which chokes up the city. (I have not forgotten my promise to tell you all about velobahns. You may need to prepare your mind for it though, by confronting any traces of bourgeois piety, clogging your thinking). 

Piety is protestantism's mixed blessing, flowing from the doctrine of predestination. Where grandma might have dragged herself to church sunday morning, to assure herself she was one of god's chosen, her grandchildren (today's Copenhagenites) assure themselves they are not among the unwashed, by living the new religion: green urbanism. Doing their bit for urban consolidation, activating the street, recycling their rubbish: all this assures them, that they are inherently better. And who are the non-church goers these days? They are the suburbanite slobs, who we speak about as though they just don't understand anything of importance these days. But you know, the pious need those slobs. They (we) need them as surely as church goers in Amsterdam need their red light district. People who think they are better (like me), need darkness in which to shine.

Well get over yourselves Copenhagen! Shine against the dark of the world, not your fellow Danes in the suburbs. Start building what I am here dubbing Velobahns. 

A guy in Toronto named Chris Hardwicke has a great proposal for his city, that of course has fallen on deaf ears thus far. It involves cyclists riding in giant long tubes, pushed along by each other's back-drafts. In Copenhagen, such a system running below the metro line South to Orestads, for example, could give that white elephant town half a chance of succeeding. People don't want to ride to the metro, chain up their bike, pay for the metro, wait for the metro, ride the metro, then have to walk when they get there. Nobody likes mode changing.    
 
Something like Hardwicke's idea, that I'm calling Velobahns, could follow Copenhagen's various metro lines, be built over roads, or tunnelled or suspended wherever there is potential (not current) demand. If they were mechanically pumped with air to create gale force back-drafts, then wow, people on performance road bikes, or in velo-mobiles, could rocket to work at the speed of a car. Even those of us on our sit up and beg bikes, would make pretty good speed. 

And where would these speed freak cyclists ride, when they hit town? On existing networks built for slow cyclists? Good heavens no! They would kill those who have every right to go slow. No, these suburbanite speedsters should be given the middle of city roads, that they will no longer be clogging with their own cars. My problem with Copenhagen, is they are afraid to utter what they really want: no cars at all. They're tongue tied by their otherwise charming Skando reserve.