behoovingmoving (behoovingmoving) wrote,
behoovingmoving
behoovingmoving

You and the law

My darlings, the law is an ass. And an ass is a creature that cannot ride a bicycle. Take heart though, as the principle of common law here in the motherland's colonies, means we are beholden only to juries of our own peers: fellow cyclists [1]. Thus I tender the following guiding principles to the cycling community, that we may apply these as yardsticks when judging each other:

Alcohol The legal blood alcohol limit for cycling, is as for dancing. Thus anyone who was dancing well upon leaving the nightclub to go cycle home, may proceed with a clear conscience.

Guilty: can't dance.                                                                         Ass riding bike.               More helmets!!!

Helmets A complex scale determines when a helmet is to be worn, taking into account age, speed, proximity to hazards and a further 15 lesser factors. To illustrate, a 4 year old hurtling down a steep hill should be wearing as many as 4 helmets (according to the scale, and according to steepness), while an adult returning from Food Works on the footpath, with a loaf of bread and 2 liters of milk, would actually be offending his or her bicycling peers if they did wear a helmet.

Speed When determining minimum and maximum allowable speeds, cyclists should first estimate the average speed of all users heading along the same route as themselves. Consider a pathway winding through a public park, on which 10 pedestrians are strolling at 2km/h, and 1 other cyclist is riding at 20km/h. The average speed, for all 11 people using that path, is 3.6km/h (10x2 + 1x20 ÷ 11). Now here is the principle by which our peers are to be judged:
S = s +/- 20
S: min and max allowable speed.  s: Average speed of all present users

On any shared thoroughfare, a cyclist should not ride more than 20km/h faster, or slower, than the average speed being set by other users currently using that thoroughfare. Where the average speed is 3.6, the speed limit will be 23.6. Conversely, if a cyclist wishes to occupy a road lane in which hundreds of drivers are moving at 60km/h, the cyclist will need to ride no slower than 40km/h; that is until such a time as the cyclist has lowered all those drivers' speeds to 40km/h, whereupon the cyclist can drop to 20km/h; that is until the drivers are all doing 20km/h, whereupon the cyclists can stop mid lane for a scratch. When the cars have all stopped as well, the cyclists may, if they so desire, ride in the other direction at 20km/h, whereupon the drivers will realize what a mistake they have made heading out in such an unwieldy 4 wheeled contraption.

To reiterate, these are not laws, but principles I wish to put out to the cycling community. If you would like me to attend court on your behalf, as a cycling peer expert witness, please email for a schedule of fees. 

Notes
1. Alas, Dr. Behooving knows nothing, really, about common law. It's just a cool word I found and have used ever since.
Tags: funny
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 0 comments